My dear Readers:
Okay, okay. I have a thousand excuses for putting off writing my column until the last moment. And no good reasons. I tend to follow Mark Twain's advice: "Never put off to tomorrow what you can put off for the day after tomorrow." But now the day after tomorrow has come and gone, and my copy deadline is here. So I sat at the laptop to get this thing done. Actually I didn't sit at the laptop; it sits on me and we both sit in my lazyboy, and since I am a lazy boy, I first did about an hour of closed-eye research. Even the laptop went into sleep mode.
I didn't find a topic during my research, and none has jumped out recently at me. Or I was ducking when it did and it missed. I try to find the absurdities of life to make fun of, but these days things are just so absurd that they are not funny anymore.
For a topic, I consulted my copy of The Book of the Universe, Volume I for some of those timeless questions that have been puzzling philosophers and other thinkers for millennia. They are found in the back under the heading of 5 Ws (who, what, when, where and how — hey, how has a w). These are the type of question one finds only answers for upon enlightenment, if at all. They are so difficult that many have been adopted by comedians to lighten them up. If this did not happen, civilization would crash under the immensity of the deliberation. For example, "What is another word for thesaurus?" Okay, Okay, stop thinking and read on!
I give you a sampling of these. They are best taken with you to a comfortable spot where one can ponder without interruption. A good activity for those hot summer evenings when even fluttering your eyelids can bring up a sweat.
How can I find the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary if I cannot spell the word in the first place?
If time is money, why are watches so cheap?
Where do the socks go when they escape the dryer? Is it getting crowded there?
When is the last time you were whelmed by a situation?
If doctors, lawyers and dentists only practice their profession, where do they go for the main competition? Is there an Olympic Games for them?
Why does rain and snow ruin a leather coat but not the cow?
If snails and sloths are so slow, how did they make it to the Ark? What did Noah do about fish, crabs, etc.? Did Noah check that the two of every animal were not siblings? And who did his grandchildren marry?
When a mime is arrested, do they still tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why isn't nostalgia what it used to be?
Why is it that you get halfway through your life before you realize it was a do-it-yourself project?
How do you know you really love yourself and are not just fooling around?
When it is raining cats and dogs, how do you avoid the poodles?
Why are birth-control pills only a tax deduction if they don't work?
If only the good die young, what does this say about senior citizens?
Why do they call it rush hour when traffic then ceases to move?
What time is it at the North and South Poles? Do they work to the clock or the calendar?
Where does the light go in a closed room after it you turn off the bulb? Can it get back out?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, should you throw the top one away?
Truthfully, I don't know.
Third Base!
My apologies to Lou Costello.
Your confused servant,